Q: Is there anything more frightening . . .

. . . than the four-foot tall animatronic Santa currently stationed in front of the olive bar at my grocery store?

Scary Santa
Originally uploaded by Jo Salmon
A: No, but the children seem to love it. When you walk by, he starts wobbling lecherously from side to side and singing “Up on the Rooftop,” in a terrifying basso profondo. Then any children within earshot stand transfixed while their parents remark how creepy Santa is this year.

I’ve seen the Pied Piper, and its name is Animatronic Santa.