Thursday, February 07, 2008

o frabjous day

Up late when I should be in bed, I stumbled across this gem. I don’t know how, but I never came across it as a kid (thank goodness). As a former white-shirt-wearing, clip-on bowtie sporting, damnation-to-your-soul-eating, bona fide polyg-progeny deacon, it hits a little too close to home …

But I was scratching my head over this:

Keep your bladder empty. Refrain from drinking large amounts of fluids before retiring.


Reduce the amount of spices and condiments in your food. Eat as lightly as possible at night.


Really, can someone help explain this?

Then there was this, which I enjoyed:

It is sometimes helpful to have a physical object to use in overcoming this problem. A Book of Mormon, firmly held in hand, even in bed at night has proven helpful in extreme cases.

Oh, snap! He didn’t just go there … Yes he did!

And finally:

Avoid people, situations, pictures or reading materials that might create sexual excitement.

In other words, avoid life. If at all possible. It’s dirty, you know.

[Image: Wikipedia]


nicolle said...

As a girl I don't fully understand this "problem", but I am dreading the day when I have to talk to Johnathan about it. I gasped at the "tie your hand to the bed" one. This is really a puzzler for me...

rob said...

With a swift flick of the index finger, knock the tip of you member causing excricuating pain that will subdue any evil sexual thoughts.

Wear ski goggles or an old belt firmly toggled around your privates to avoid any possibility of semi-sleep masturbation. If this causes permanent damage, so be it, you shall be rewarded tenfold in heaven.

Keep a picture of dick Cheney nearby at all times. When the urge to pleasure yourself is so strong you feel yourself losing control, whip out the picture and ask yourself "What would Cheney do?"

Duct tape oven mitts on your hands. If this doesn't work, be creative: a few well-placed thumbtacks in the mitts can help even the most habitual masterbater. As a last resort, soak the mitts with lemon juice. Soon your member will shrivel like a frightened turtle at the first thought of anything innappropriate.

Bring a partner to the bathroom with you when you shower, and have the partner periodically ask to see your hands. Don't close your eyes for more than three seconds at a time while in the shower and be sure not to think of women's shampoo commercials.

yave said...

Lol! Now we're definitely getting into BDSM territory.